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Tuesday, 01/06/2009 - 12:35 a.m.

So I have an OBGYN appt in a couple of weeks for the usual girlie parts checkup but this time there's a hitch. My period has been here since Dec 23 which is pretty routine for me and my hateful uterus. Now that we have insurance (praise the deities!) I'm going to push really hard for the uterus-burning ablation. My history of endless periods is well-documented, all the way back to 1999.

The bigger, more alarming hitch is the big tender lump in my left breast. It's been there for the entire month of December and showed up around T'Giving. I really wanted to pretend it was period-related because the boobers do get really sore at period time. It's gone beyond hormone-period boob soreness, though, all the way into "Holy crap, there's a big painful knot right there!". My boob didn't start hurting really painfully bad until Xmastime and I was popping Aleve and Advil like candy and lying to DC about how many I was taking a day because I didn't want to tell him the truth. I started wearing a bra the entire time I was awake just to keep the titty from hanging free because that made it worse. I still can't sleep on my left side for long periods no matter how many Advil I take before bed. I wasn't sleeping well anyway because I was worried and in pain. I was on edge every time DC and I had sex because if he grabbed my breasts hard I knew I'd shriek and would have to explain why. I was popping Rolaids and Pepsids like candy, too, because my stomach would churn any time I had 5 minutes to think about my boob.

I wasn't going to tell DC and the Boy about it until I'd been to the doctor - present it to them as a done deal "Everything is fine" sort of thing. Well, that plan went to hell in a hurry on NYE when we all piled in the Boy's bed for sex. I'd already told DC my breasts were sore and to be careful and he whined about it and wanted to know why he had had to be careful so often lately. I tried so hard to hold my shit together but the dam broke and I got hysterical. I mean really truly shrieky screamy crying hysterical, and told them the truth.

The Boy took it very well, as I knew he would, and DC lost his shit, as I knew he would. Which is why I didn't want to tell them until I absolutely had to. DC has still lost his shit and the past 4 days have been looney tooney nutzo at my house. He cries at the drop of a hat because the lump can't be anything *but* cancer. Never mind the fact none of the women on either side of the family have ever had breast cancer, never mind the fact it could be a fatty tumor or a cyst or even a clogged milk duct (even though I've never had milk in there). He has already buried me and is now grieving for me in his mind.

I'm scared, too, but I can still function and get on with my daily life. I've already had several discussions with myself in the past 6 weeks about how badly I'll be disfigured with a lumpectomy or a mastectomy and every time the conclusion was "Scarred or titless beats the alternative". I'm hoping it doesn't come to either of those, of course, but I'll handle it if it does. The alternative is not an option.

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