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Wednesday, 04/20/2011 - 12:53 p.m.

I started this back in February and would just stop to cry after writing certain parts. My life was seriously depressingly shitty for so many months and recapping it brings it all back to life inside my head. I walked around so angry and stressed and grieved since about September of last year and now that it's finally getting better do I really want to open that can of worms just to blog about it? I've avoided blogging for so long I'm not sure I can get everything out and still be the me I am now afterward. There is still more to write about since this only covers up to the first week of January. I think it can be boiled down to "2010 was one of the best and worst years of my life", though. Here we go...

No, I'm not dead. Again. It's been insanely busy at my house this past month *and* I haven't recapped anything major that's happened in the last 4 months. Feh. I keep saying I'll sit down and post the mother lode of all entries but then I'll get distracted.

I've taken up cross-stitching again and have been making baby bibs and other baby presents since everyone in my circle of friends 35 or younger are popping out tots. The Glitter Kids had their baby right before Xmas, Nigel's sister had hers right before T'Giving (Sugarbean spent 3 1/2 weeks in the NICU, hooked up to a vent and feeding tube, among other things), LadyA is 5 months along and looks fabulous, and I think Weaz and Carrie will be trying for Baby #2 this spring.

I've stayed at 45 pounds gone or have lost 50, depending on where the crackhead scale sits on the floor. I'm thinking it's really 50 because my clothes, even the smaller 22/24 sizes, are hanging on me and my skin is really starting to hang in certain places. I'm pretty sure if I flapped my arms hard enough I could fly.

The Boy and I broke up at T'giving. Well, technically I did the breaking up. He started talking about buying a house in Knoxvegas big enough for all of us and I just snapped. I knew our relationship was dying when he moved back there in late 2009. I knew it was pretty much over when I had to back him into a corner to get an answer one way or the other out of him about coming to LadyA's wedding back in August. We both cried and screamed and said ugly, ugly shit which didn't really fix anything. We tangled again about a week or so later and that didn't really help things either. He came back for Xmas and I thought it would be really awkward but it wasn't. I've talked to him a couple of times since then and to me, we're getting along better than we did towards the end when we were a couple. Isn't that always the way, though? His picture is still hanging on my bedroom wall, some of his clothes are still in my closet, I'm still finding the occasional pair of underwear kicked under the bed or a T-shirt of his mixed in with my laundry. 6 years worth of life together does not just go *poof* and disappear. This is the first time, though, since we broke up that I've not cried trying to write it all down.

My mother and I had a knock-down drag out fight in that same time frame, around T'giving. I took her shopping for the turkey, etc. and we fought all day long. DC and I agreed at Halloween 2010 to pick up her house note for 2011 and she did not deal well with it then (and continued to not deal well with it until about the end of January). So she was already wound up and tense when we went grocery shopping and it all went to shit fast. She tried to throw me out of her house twice in the first 15 minutes I was there. The 3rd time she told me to get the hell out of her house and not ever come back, I told her that if I walked out her door, I would not set foot back in that house until she was dead and for her to think real hard about if she *really* wanted me to leave. I think the last time I've cried that much and been angry that much in one day was back in 2004 during the divorce/move out time period and I spent a day packing my office closet crap. When I left much later that night, not a lot had been resolved. I spent the rest of November and all of December at "Cry Alert Orange" because I was so jacked up about her and the Boy situation. T'Giving itself was pretty good - we took Nigel with us because his sister went into labor about 3 weeks early 2 days before the holiday and his parents took off as soon as she called them. I asked her if she was OK money-wise and bill-wise and she said yes.

So December was also mostly sucky. DC took her Xmas grocery shopping and I'll be goddamned if she didn't act like a normal person. DC said she behaved much better with him than she did with me. Nigel and I went to his parents' for a weekend while they were still with his sister to put up their Xmas tree and get the house ready for them to come back. They were gone about 3 weeks because the baby wasn't doing well and I knew after a 16 hour drive the last damn thing they were going to want to do was get the house opened back up. We had a ball putting the tree together and decorating it. That was probably the most fun I've had putting up a tree since DC and the Boy and I put the Boy's up 4 or 5 years ago. (If you think watching a manic-depressive on a manic hyper upswing and a *seriously* OCD ADD dude trying to string Xmas lights on a tree sounds hilarious, that's because it was.) We also commandeered their gigantic bathtub, complete with candles and bubbles. We did not have freaky weird sex in their tub but it was a close thing. Heh. We did presents and dinner at the Queen's later that week and with the exception of one spaz moment early in the day, she acted like a normal person. I asked her again if she was OK money- and bill-wise and she again said yes. We went back the day after Xmas so the Boy could see her and DC asked her this time if she was OK money- and bill-wise and she said yes.

The Dysfunctional Xmas happened in there, too, as well as my 3rd sinus and ear infection of the year. I spent Xmas day barfing and wheezing.

DC cashed in a life insurance policy from his mother so we could take on my mother's house note in October. (I know he, being the atheist that he is, does not believe in heaven or karma or that any good you do in this life comes back to you, but I'm 99.99% sure that one act alone wiped out any black marks on his celestial record.) The Queen called in early January to tell me that her mortgage company was "harrassing" her (her word, not mine) about being 2 months behind on the house note. I told her that I was going into that bank ASAP to get caught up and for her to tell them that the next time they called. That sparked my question, "Is there anything else you're behind on?" and the shit storm was on again. Come to find out, one of her credit cards had been turned over to collections for non-payment of any sort and she had been warned that the other one was also going to be turned over to collections. Awesome. Come to further find out, she had been behind for 2 months and did not say a word - not when we had our big powwow at Halloween to discuss finances, not at T'Giving when I specifically asked, and not at Xmas when DC specifically asked. Double awesome. And she was going to declare bankruptcy as a solution to all her money problems and just let the chips fall where they may. Alrighty then. I told her that I would be going to her bank in the morning and paying off half of the one card and then going to Sears (where I will never shop again but that's a whole 'nother rant) to pay off half of that card. She flipped her shit and ordered me not to do that and that she wouldn't give me her account numbers or how much she owed or nothin' and how dare I presume to get all in her financial business. I said, "If you're going to tell lies like a 4 year old, then I'll treat you like a 4 year-old and do whatever it is that needs to be done. Problem solved.". I told her I knew her full name, address, and date of birth so I didn't really need her to give me any info. No one was going to turn me away with cash money in hand, regardless of what info I did or did not have. I said she could go with me if she wanted to or she could scream some more obscenities at me then hang up on me but either way this was happening. She agreed to go with me so I picked her up the next day. She wasn't ready to go when I got there so I got a glass of tea and waited for her. She sits down in the living room with me to tie her shoes and asks if I'm sure I want to do this, that she'll understand if DC and I change our minds about helping her out on this. I said yes I'm sure and was there anything else she wasn't telling me? She wouldn't look at me and I snarled (and it was snarling because in that 2 seconds I knew she was about to lie to me afuckingain) "OK, goddamnit! What the fuck else are you not telling me?! You know, when we were kids you'd whip us for telling a lie because telling a lie always makes it worse! But you lie to me all the goddamn time! WHAT ELSE ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME?!". She got up from the recliner and hid behind it. I'd like to say she just stepped behind it to prop her arms on the top of it and lean on it, but it was hiding. She saw lunacy and murder on my face and tried to get some distance between us. Jesus Gawd. She said "I know you're mad at me and I know there's nothing I can do to change that but I am sorry.". And my reply was "Bullfuckingshit. If you were going to be sorry for it, you wouldn't have done it.". She got hysterical and dramatic, waving her arms around and screaming, "Well, I'm just an asshole then! Just a crappy mother, huh? Just the worst mother ever! Y'all should just kill me because I'm such a horrible person!". And then I said the one thing I never ever *ever* thought I would say to her, of all people. This is the same woman who worked her ass off for too many years to make sure we had food and a roof over our heads, who took in my grandfather for 5 years after my grandmother died and gave up any kind of a life she had to do that, who is the wailing wall and anchor for all of her sisters, who was one of my best friends until all this bullshit happened.

"I am going to come over there and slap your face off of your head if you tell me another goddamned lie. Sit your ass down in that chair and listen to me as hard as you can."

And that's how I started 2011, by threatening to hit my mother.

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