Monday, 09/19/2011 - 2:34 p.m.
It's been almost a month since I last blathered and I'm not sure what to say. Feh.
The word "divorce" has been thrown around a lot in the past 6 weeks. (It's been a shitty *and* exciting 6 weeks.) That will only be a band-aid on the problem, though, because I don't really want to leave DC. And he doesn't want to leave me or for me to leave.
Something is seriously wrong with me, mentally and hormonally. I'm at some level of angry (irritated, angry, full-blown murderous rage) most of the time or horny like a teenage boy who's just discovered boobs the rest of the time and sometimes both at the same time. And when I say "murderous rage", I wish I was kidding. About the middle of July, all three of us were here at the house to measure windows and check square footage, so we could buy a washer/dryer that fit in the allotted space, a fridge that fit in the allotted space, curtains that were long/wide enough, etc. DC was his usual ADD/hyper/manic self and was taking measurements for me while I wrote them down. I didn't find out until we were 90% done with that that he had been rounding the numbers up or down as he saw fit instead of giving me accurate numbers. When buying a curtain rod that will collapse or extend from 24 inches to 48 inches, not such a big deal. When buying a fridge that absolutely must clear 70 inches with an inch to spare, kind of a big deal, especially when you round the number up and tell me there's more space than there really is. I asked him to do a simple thing and he couldn't even do that right. We were going to the grocery store afterward and I could barely speak on the way there because I was so angry.
When I'm that angry or that scared or that excited, I see things outlined in neon. DC's color is icy blue, the Boy's color is blood red, Nigel's color is bright green, my mother's color is white, TinyE's color is yellow (more on that in a moment), and TubboCat's color is pumpkin orange (also more on that in a moment).
My vision grayed out on the edges and the rest of the world just went away. I very clearly in my head saw DC outlined in icy blue neon, and me behind him, snapping his neck. My left hand was under his chin, my right hand was on top of his head, I twisted his head to the left as hard as I could, felt his neck break, dropped his body in a heap on the ground, and thought "Thank Christ. Maybe now he'll shut up.". I saw that in my mind as clear as day and that's when I knew, sitting there in the passenger seat of my car on the way to get groceries, that something was seriously wrong with me.
I had another neon moment with TinyE on the day we closed on the house in July. He was under foot while I was trying to pack, incessantly meowing, incessantly trying to jump up to be petted, and after I accidentally stepped on him for the second time, yellow neon flashed on in my head. I saw myself picking him up like a football with his body tucked under my right arm and twisting his head completely around with my left hand so his face was looking up at me, dropping him on the carpet, and nonchalantly stepping over his corpse like I hadn't just killed my cat in cold blood. That image scared me so much I got hysterical in the living room floor, scaring the crap out of Nigel as well.
A couple of weeks ago, TubboCat managed to shit ON the litter box. Not in, on. We got a new LitterMaid automatic box and she somehow shit on top of the rake arm thing (find the green dot), so cat poop was smeared between the rake and the arm piece it attaches to and all over the arm thing itself. I have no idea how a 16 pound porkchop of a cat got her butt up high enough to poop enough to smear shit like that, but she did. We're talking a human sized dump. That's how I know her neon color is pumpkin orange, almost the same color as her fur.
So...I'm going to see my OBGYN for my yearly check-up and STD screen, and while I'm there I'll be requesting a hormone assay as well. I'm 95% sure my insanity is ovary related. Everyone thinks that too much estrogen makes women act nuts (and it does) but not enough estrogen will also make you act nuts. I have a well documented medical history of not enough estrogen production and I'm betting my ovaries have mostly quit on me. I'm also willing to bet my testosterone is way high, too, seeing as how my back looks like a pepperoni pizza, I have quite a beard growing under my chin, my voice has deepened quite a bit, and I have the libido of a teenage boy.
There's a ton more I want to say but it's all just depressing as fuck.
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