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Tuesday, 09/26/2006 - 11:36 p.m.

My grandfather committed suicide last Thursday and my mother found him. She called me Friday morning before I went to work and I was so hysterical that DC had to call my boss after I did because she didn't understand a word I said. I wasn't hysterical for my grandfather (I understand why he did what he did) but for my mother because she came home from work, went to check on him because she thought he was napping, and found him.

My mama pretty much put *her* life on hold for 5 years to take care of her dad. He moved in with my mom and brother (who moved into his own house a few months ago) after my grandmother died. Mama was the one who took him to his doctor's appts and several times to the ER in the middle of the night. For a while there when he was in the hospital for 2 months at a time, she'd go to see him before work, go to work, go see him on her lunch hour, go back to work, go see him when she got off work, and do it all again the next day. And the next. And the next.

DC and I went over to her house Friday night because I had to see for myself if she really was as alright as she told me. We teared up a little bit together but when we left I was right as rain.

The Boy came down on Saturday and was able to stay thru Monday evening, which made it easier on me and DC. Having both of them here helped me keep it together.

The relatives started arriving Saturday for the viewing on Sunday. Most of us went to Mama's after the viewing and ate and laughed and really had a good time. We got caught up on all the cousins and who was doing what. The funeral was Monday and I only cried at the grave site. Putting *anyone* in the ground makes me sad and teary. Exhusband happened to be in town for his work and he came both days, which was very nice of him.

I went back to work today and I enjoyed being back into my routine. That sounded so heartless when I said it to the Boy a little while ago during our goodnight phone call, but it's the truth. My family all knew that one day *the* call would come and it's a relief that the call came.

I felt really guilty for being happy my mother was free, but most of that's gone today. DC said that he was sorry my grandfather was so fragile and in so much pain that he saw killing himself was the only way out of that but DC was glad that he wasn't hurting anymore. I have to agree with that. My grandfather is finally with my grandmother, which is where he really wanted to be anyway. She passed away 5 years ago; his health started declining 5 years ago. Not a coincidence. He hadn't been right since she died.

I am truly alright with the fact he killed himself, but I may not ever get past the fact that my mama (with no warning or even a hint about what he was going to do) found him.

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