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Tuesday, 07/28/2009 - 7:00 p.m.

So I dreamt I was driving my old '77 Toyota Corolla (nicknamed The Crapmobile) and even if it was in park it would still roll so I had to pull the emergency brake to make sure it would stay parked. I got pulled over by White Trash Undercover Police Officer, complete with leathery over tanned skin, lime green sparkly eyeshadow that matched her lime green midriff cut off top, a white bikini top as a bra, ratty blue jeans and white sneakers. I had driven through the middle of a pro-feminist rally in some park, totally oblivious to the fact I was driving through a march/parade/whatever. WTUPO tells me I'm going to jail and to step out of the car. I forget to pull the brake, I get out of the car, and it backs over a handful of pro-feminists who had gathered to boo me.

This all stemmed, I'm sure, from having to go to that pit of hell known as the Department of Motor Vehicles. My license expired on my birthday and I couldn't renew online or by mail because I had to have a new picture made. I also needed my address changed since I haven't lived at the old address since, oh, January of 2005. Whoops. So after checking the DMV's website of what I needed to prove I was me I gathered up my birth certificate, the most current utility bill, my most current bank statement, the title to my car, my voter registration card, my divorce papers (because they say I can keep my old married name), my marriage license and a book. My purse was *loaded*. I was by far the best dressed one at the DMV and one of the few that didn't bring an entourage. I was in and out in about an hour and that was in the "express" line.

Conversation at the counter:

Dude who couldn't have cared less: How may I help you today?

Me: I got my letter saying I had to come in for a new picture. I also need my address changed. And my license expired a week ago.

DWCHCL: *hmph* Paperwork?

Me: {hands over application and old license}

DWCHCL: Ms. Fat Girl, what identification did you show to obtain this license?

Me: Well, when I was 16 I had to take my birth certificate and my mother with me. When I changed my name right after I got married over a decade ago I brought my birth certificate, marriage license, social security card, and college ID. Today I brought my birth certificate, my most current MLG&W bill, my most current bank statement, the title to my car, my voter registration card, my divorce papers because they say I can keep my old married name, and my marriage license. Although I don't want to use my new husband's name; I don't like it.

DWCHCL: {stunned bunny look} Miss, I don't need to see any of that. It will be $19.50 to renew today.

Me: {handing over a $20} That's all?

DWCHCL: That's all. Here's your change and receipt. Have a seat right there and your name will be called.

Me: Cool, dude! This was easier than I thought it would be.

He didn't check jack crap, not even to verify my correct address. My picture looks good, even if I have massive double chin flappity flap.

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