Monday, 01/12/2009 - 12:08 a.m.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the conversation between the writers of "24" and the actress, Leslie Hope, who played Jack Bauer's wife. I imagine it went something like this:

Writers: OK, so we're in the year 2001, right? And women are all empowered an' shit, and their vajayjays have monologues an' shit, and you chicks can be whatever you want to be, right?

Leslie Hope: Ummm...I guess so, yeah.

Writers: OK, so you're going to be Jack's wife, right? And he's this super badass, right?

LH: Right, yeah, I got that.

Writers: And you're his woman, right?

LH: YES, we've covered that.

Writers: Right, sorry, too much breakfast speed. Sorry. The lunch 'ludes will cancel it out, though.

LH: Ummmm, dudes, the script?

Writers: Right, right. So anyway, you're a chick in this day and age, right?

LH: RIGHT. Get on with it.

Writers: OK, so you'll be this clinging, whining, shrill black hole of need that can't function without a big strong man around to take care of your ass. Isn't that fucking brilliant?!

LH: What the fuck?

Writers: Yeah! It's fucking brilliant. Oh, hey, the 'ludes are here! Whee!

LH: So let me get this straight - I'm supposed to be some co-dependent dishrag clinging vine of a woman who can't deal with reality without her manly Superman of a husband to save her?

Writers: Oh, thank the heavens! You *GET* it!

LH: Can I be super-shrill and super-spineless and super-clingy for no good reason at all about halfway through each episode?

Writers: I am smelling Emmy and Golden Globe all over this.

Massive amounts of drugs are the only explanation I can think of for why Teri Bauer is such a spineless dishrag on this show.

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