Friday, 07/29/2011 - 11:30 a.m.
It's been almost a year to the day since you died and we're still grieving. It's worse for DC, of course, because you were his last immediate family blood relative but slowly and surely he's getting over his (misplaced) guilt and the sadness. I'm still peeved over the underhanded way you hid how sick you were from us for as long as you did but since I used "peeved" instead of "pissed off as a motherfucker" clearly I'm getting over that as well. I still check my email every so often specifically looking for an update from you because I forget sometimes. I finally stopped asking DC about January or so if he had called you recently.
We closed on our house today and I wanted to say thank you. The only way we can afford to move into our own house is because you had the forethought to provide for DC, starting way back when he was a little boy. We're both scared out of our minds over the responsibility of a house and all that it entails, obviously, but we're really really really tickled to have it. The thought of packing up all this crap we've accumulated over 6 years is absolutely overwhelming, too, not just because I'm the one who will be stuck doing the majority of it, but because there's no going back at this point. For better or for worse indeed.
I know you said to do whatever we wanted with what you left to us and not feel bad about it. I'll always have a little nugget of guilt, no matter what you said, because I feel like we're profiting from your death. I know that neither of us hung over you on your deathbed like vultures, waiting and hoping for you to die, and believe me, I'd give everything back if it meant you weren't dead and DC no longer felt like he failed you. And I'm babbling way off course. My point was I'm 90% grateful that you planned so well ahead for your son. The other 10% feels like rat shit about it all. Try not to be irritated with me for too long about the rat shit part; I'm working on it.
Your Other Kid
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