Sunday, 06/12/2011 - 11:13 p.m.

In Dean Koontz's book Lightning, he uses a phrase repeatedly that has stayed in my brain for at least 20 years or so.

"Destiny struggles to reassert the pattern that was meant to be."

In the spring of 1996, I got caught. That's my euphemism for "Even though my new husband and I took precautions, I popped up pregnant anyway". Up until March of 2009 when I finally had my uterus steam-cleaned, I was mostly regular as clock-work so when The Curse didn't come that particular month, I knew what it meant. In June of 1996, I underwent a "voluntary termination of pregnancy". Regardless of how much the world would like to dress it up with big words, I had an abortion. Only 4 people (at that time) knew and both the ex-husband and I were in agreement that no, we did not want children and yes, this was the right decision for us. He has since reversed his stance on the whole thing but I still believe down to my soul, almost exactly 15 years later, that we made the right decision then and now. He had a vasectomy almost immediately afterward and after a false pregnancy scare at the end of 1999, I got snipped as well at the beginning of 2000.

In 1998, I met DC. We were part of the same online chat group and had been online friends for quite a while. We finally got to meet in person in Nashvegas and neither of our lives would ever be the same. People say that, I think, without really understanding what it means. In 1999, he dropped off my radar. His feelings for me, a woman married to another man, overwhelmed and scared him to the point he ran away from me for 2 years. It didn't matter that we had my ex's full knowledge and consent, it didn't matter that I loved DC as much as he loved me. He didn't return my calls or emails or letters for 2 years. I sent Xmas cards to his parents address, hoping they'd reach him. I sent letters, pages and pages of letters, written in pink and purple and green ink. I sent emails every so often, just to tell him he was still on my mind.

"Destiny struggles to reassert the pattern that was meant to be."

Nigel was born in 1987. I was born in 1974. If he had been born a couple of months later, there'd be 14 years difference in our ages. 15 years since 1996, 14 years difference in our ages. I was meant to be someone's mother - not "mother" in the sense that I gave birth to him or even helped raise him when he was little but "mother" as defined by the dictionary as "a female or thing that creates, nurtures, protects, etc, something". I didn't create him biologically, true, but I'm helping create some of the man he's going to be. I definitely nurture and protect and if someone had told me in April of last year that I'd be madly in love with him today, I would have laughed in their faces. He grew up in a very sheltered and very narrow world, with little adversity and almost no exposure to the real world. Servers in restaurants used to intimidate him, modern gas pumps confused him, he didn't really start using a debit card with any regularity until this year. Crowds still can spook him, going clothes shopping is a nightmare, he still can't hand-wash dishes, and driving in "the big city" makes him sweat and twitch. So in some ways, I do function in the role of "mother". (In other ways, I function in the role of "big ol' pervy perv"...heh.)

In March of 2001, DC got his shit somewhat together and resurfaced. When he came to visit, it was like the previous 2 years had never happened. He moved here for good in June of 2001 and we haven't been apart since. I truly believe in my heart of hearts I'm supposed to be with this man, come hell or high water, until death do us part. I've been in love with him for 35% of my life. It still boggles my mind that's a little bit over a third of my whole life.

Gods willing, by this time next month, we'll all be settling into our own house.

"Destiny struggles to reassert the pattern that was meant to be."

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