Monday, 01/17/2011 - 4:53 p.m.

At the end of July 2010, I weighed in at 289.5. As of today, I weigh in at 244. I might have been this small (relatively speaking) in high school, almost 20 years ago. (I emphasize might.)

My knees, especially the stupid one, are happy about this. As are my hips, especially the stupid one. My chiropractor said in all the years I've been his patient my goofy right hip is the best he's ever seen it.

My upper arms have some serious flappity-flap going on (they always had the flappity-flap, just not this bad) but some simple tricep exercises will help that.

My thighs have some serious flappity-flap going on as well (and by "flappity-flap" I mean I can pull loose skin out from the insides of my thighs about an inch and a half) but again, some simple exercises and walking more than I do will help.

My calves and forearms have tightened up nicely.

The skin on my hands and feet has also tightened up nicely. My rings are all loose and none of my slippers fit at all (even the Happy Bunny pair that was once too tight) but that's minor. My shoes fit better and my feet and ankles do not swell up like they used to do.

My double chin is slowly receding and tightening up. I can see the two big cords in the front of my neck now and I'm pretty sure that's a first. (I don't know who that is; she's the first good random image I found.) I do my platysma exercises without fail and I use the good moisturizer on the loose skin twice a day.

My boobs have not disappeared as they usually do when I get on a weight-loss kick. They're normally the first to go but not this time. They still hang down to my bellybutton and I can tie those bitches in a knot, but they've always been like that. As long as Cacique continues to make kick-ass-hike-'em-up push-up bras, my tits will continue to look fabulous.

My ass looks really good; my hips are still a little lumpy but a tight girdle helps.

My gigantic dunlap is still there but I'd say about 1/4th of it is loose skin. It's not all fat like it used to be and it's getting smaller. It was so huge to begin with it's hard to tell just by eyeballing it if it's gotten smaller but it has. Some sit-ups would help that, too.

Which brings me to the bloodhound twat. I'm pretty sure my twat should not look like a droopy bloodhound face or hang halfway to my knees. I can't really go to the local gym and ask what kind of sagging muff toning exercises they recommend. I know there's labiaplasty surgeries to reduce/repair inner labia and/or clits but *ahem* those parts are fine. The outer labia and mound should not be flappy enough to double as a hat, I'm just sayin'.

(Apologies to anyone who just spit their beverages all over their monitors.)

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